I love weddings. Seriously. What romance writer doesn’t? Something magically cool takes place during the ceremony, something that grips you soul-deep and makes you believe in a happily-ever-after. *Blissful Sigh*
Yep, I’d been to one not that long ago. Unfortunately, La Muse showed up, too. Her cigar smoke circled around me throughout the ceremony, and she wove snippets of conversation around stuff that wasn’t exactly appropriate for a traditional Catholic wedding. Big surprise, huh?
And she didn’t get any better as the night wore on, either, whispering in my ear throughout the reception, and even past it. In fact, she hasn’t quit in the weeks since, and I’m tired of hearing her whine. This is why you’re all the lucky recipients of her random thoughts on how to throw the perfect wedding . . .. I swear these are the tamer ones!
1) It’s okay to invite your ex-husband. Who else is going to drive over 1200 miles round trip to schlep over the gifts from your engagement party? (Although my cousin should’ve taken him up on his offer to walk her down the aisle, too!)
2) When the dude responsible for coning off a spot in front of the church approaches your vehicle with a frantic look on his face, don’t panic. See, some members of the male species are thoroughly confused about a wedding, so carefully explain the “RESERVED FOR THE BRIDE” sign wasn’t meant to go around the groom’s neck. Instead, point at the cones he’d just placed, smile gently, and tell him to get back to work.
3) Do not be surprised that the nieces and nephews in your family keep growing even if you’re not around. This is what happens when parents keep feeding them. . ..
4) Beware the uncles! They are the up and coming patriarchs of the family, and they take that role seriously, watching every member of the clan with the kind of super-power relegated to airport baggage scanners that detect the liquid in your carry-on is *gasp* an ounce over the limit.
Unfortunately, this also means they count the number of shots you’d had. . .. And they *will* cut you off. How to avoid this? Buy them a few rounds and have them tell you about the “good old days” when they were hell raisers – and, man, are there stories. . ..
5) For the bride and groom: make sure any changes to the evening’s activity is passed on to the dude you’d selected to emcee the event. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if he runs around the room while you’re doing your intro dance asking, “What are they doing? Look (shoves paper in guest’s face) it’s not anywhere on the agenda!” (Smiling, Michael! Smiling!)
6) When sister-of-the-bride starts hooking people up, let her. And when it involves someone you discover you’d never invited, be grateful it was the bartender and not some random dude pulled from the hotel lobby.
7) Patron shots probably aren’t the best idea before the wedding party is introduced at the reception.
Oh, who am I kidding? It’s the greatest idea ever! I still don’t know how some-of-us-who-shall-remain-nameless managed to dance in without tripping. . ..
8) No matter how conservative your position is in the “real world,” sexy moves on the dance floor are allowed. After all, you’re in the cone of safety, surrounded by family and close friends, peeps who’d have your back no matter what. (Okay, everyone hold hands now and sing Kumbaya.) Just don’t expect any of us to forget it, either! 😉
9) Hooker-shoes are great for the ceremony, but be sure to bring a sensible pair to wear to the reception. Unless, of course, you can dance in hooker-shoes without tripping. At which point I’d have to admit I hate you.
Remember to have adults help the little ones pin the bills on, though. Otherwise, there’s a good chance you’ll find one poking through your corset later.
Ah, good times!
My greatest wishes for a lifetime of happiness to you, Cousin and New Cousin.
Love you both very much!